women need connection; men need reward

In so many ways, science has treated women’s biology as smaller, weaker versions of men’s. Prescription dosages, social standards, the studies that have been done on health — they’ve all been built on male biology. The explanation behind this is that, due to female hormonal fluctuations throughout the menstrual cycle, it would be really expensive to do the studies that would accurately portray the differences between male and female nervous system activity and regulation.

And then socially we’ve been encouraged from every angle to be smaller, sexier versions of men by way of the movies, the ads, the “cool girl” persona we’re given in all the stories of those gals who keep up with or altogether outshoot the men. We’re encouraged all the time to “just keep going.”

It goes so deep.

But looking at what we know now, the cost of not doing the studies and defining the differences was pretty big.

The female nervous system was not even really studied in depth until the early 2000s — but when it was, they found major differences between men and women that give great explanation to why women statistically tend toward higher rates of depression, anxiety, overwhelm, and disease.

For men, dopamine (the neurotransmitter and hormone that encourages movement, action, reward, etc) encourages testosterone production and helps to regulate and balance their systems — which makes them feel good, settled, and accomplished.

However, female nervous systems regulate to oxytocin — not dopamine.

Oxytocin is known as the “hormone of love” and plays huge huge huge roles in pleasurable sex, childbirth, and breastfeeding. It is a crucial physiologic piece to bonding with our infants, our spouses, our parents (at birth, especially our mother), and the important people in our lives. When oxytocin is lacking, it can crop up as broken attachments in relationships — feeling unsafe, disconnected, or maybe even fawning (being overly nice and nonconfrontational) in order to feel a sense of belonging / safety within our communities.

So while males feel regulated and grounded in getting things done, reward, movement, pushing forward, accomplishing tasks — female nervous systems regulate to connection, pleasure, co-regulation (togetherness / eye gazing / bonding), relational dynamics, gentle and loving physical touch.

And the kicker is that dopamine actually depletes oxytocin in the female body.

So the more we push dopamine (doing more, pushing harder, trying to be “consistent and reliable” in a world that disregards our cyclical nature), it blocks our oxytocin receptors and prevents us from feeling the things that actually nourish us: connection, pleasure, co-regulation, love.

Living in this way leads us into deeper disconnection to self and to others, and feeds that spiral of overwhelm and burnout.

When we look to our design, we’re given an entirely different blueprint for how to care for ourselves, to support not only the longevity of our physical health, but to support our mental and emotional capacity for thriving as well.

Alright, pause and take this in for a moment.

Nice slow breath in for 4 seconds.

Hold for 7.

Release for 8.

Now consider the women you know who’ve felt run down, tapped out, or completely out of touch with their true selves — for who even knows how long anymore.

How often have you yourself felt that way?

There are so many layers, I realize, but what if we could start bringing in daily practices to shift into what actually calms and regulates our nervous systems?

What would happen in our families if we felt more grounded and well? What if we were able to be more mindful of the differences between mothering our sons who need movement and mothering our daughters who cyclically need rest?

What would happen in our communities if we stopped normalizing exhaustion and coffee addiction to “make it through the day”?

How would this affect the rates of women who are diagnosed with PMDD? Anxiety? Depression?

The way we honor our rhythmic, cyclical nature, how well we receive support in our post-birth sacred window, our ability to co-mother with elder and sister mothers through the years of raising our children — these are areas where we can embrace groundedness and relieve anxious overwhelm when we lean into our need for connection, physical touch, bonding, and love.

I don’t know about you, but learning this feels… transformational.

Validating beyond words.

Like hearing things we’ve always known and yet… just didn’t have the language for or the guidance to really acknowledge it in these ways.

If ever there was information that would unlock our ability to connect with and relate to each other better — this feels like a big part of it.

Teaching our young ones, girls and boys alike, the basic physiology that we require different things to thrive.

Boys, know in advance that your sisters, your mother, your girlfriends, your future wife — she will have the design to rest and go at a different pace 2 weeks out of her cycle than the other 2 weeks.

Girls, trying to live out of your design with create dis-ease and struggle in your life. Choosing to live in sync with the messages of your body will guide you in ways beyond just physical health.

May this be a seed in the garden of your mind that brings forth something fruitful, beautiful, and full of joy.

May this help you embrace your design with great love and confidence.

May it inspire you to connect and to be connected in genuine ways to the people around you.

With love sincerely,

G

PS — For those of you who love geeking out on these such things, here’s a really neat conversation that I found especially nourishing: “The Female Nervous System is Different: Here’s Why It Matters”