the impact of trusting mothers

We live in a cultural framework that has “distrust-of-self” messaging woven into every layer.

For most of us, our earliest memories involve needing an authority to tell us what to do, how to do it, what is acceptable and allowed, how to feel (versus how we genuinely feel), and learning pretty quickly how to conform to fit the mold of our environment. Even before our cognitive memory, we received messages directly from our mother about life and our place in it. The hormone rich blood that nourished our developing body in her womb and the waters that protected and surrounded us quite literally carried all of her thoughts and belief systems. We were steeped in her perceptions of her stories before we ever began to experience our own. So for a lot of us, this messaging that we must trust the authorities over our innate knowing and intuition goes pretty deep.

This is true for both the men and the women. And while this conversation could go so many directions, my intention today is to shed light on some of the ways this inbuilt distrust actually might play out for women in pregnancy, birth, and the transition into motherhood.

I recently had a conversation with a momma about her experience with the prenatal screening for gestational diabetes. She mentioned that the nurses were so adamant they had to watch her drink all of the contents of the glucose drink, for fear that she’d only pretend to drink it and skew the test results. Now let me add — do I think the nurses are inherently bad for behaving like this? No. Of course not. They were probably great people just following the protocol, the protocol of a system that is set up for it’s best interest and liabilities. But the messaging here without a doubt whispers, “We can’t trust women, women are not intelligent enough to follow our rules and to know the risks they face in pregnancy.”

I also had a conversation recently with an Rh negative momma who was inquiring about whether or not the rhogam injection would be needed if her husband also had Rh negative blood. The response directly from the OB she was working with was simply, “Yes.” She later came to find out (at an appointment where her husband wasn’t present) the reasoning behind this was that even if the husband is also Rh-, there is the risk that the woman isn’t being honest about who the father of her baby is. So to protect her future babies, Rhogam should be administered both prenatally and postnatally.

I wish I was making this up.

What is wild to me about all of this is that we’ve become so accustomed to this external lack of trust and internal inability to trust ourselves that when faced with these situations, a fair percentage of women will just nod and agree — because “doctors know best.” Even when something inside our gut questions or wonders.

If I had a dollar for every time a pregnant momma said to me, “I really want to have my baby at home, but…” Dang, I’d have some extra dollars. Every time I hear this it’s a reminder that there is so much doubt seeded in our hearts collectively about ourselves, our ability to trust our instincts, and to follow what feels right for us. In saying this, I hold no judgement about where women choose to bring their babies forth either. It’s not at all that I would advocate for a woman to birth at home if that didn’t feel right for her, but above all I encourage every woman to birth where she feels is best for her and her baby. What I’m seeing though is that there’s often a disconnect happening. Where she wants to give birth and where she ends up birthing are not the same.

And why?

I think there are layers of answers to this, but one really big piece is this overarching precedence in the rank of authorities that we “ought not” trust ourselves. Surely, the “experts” know better. It’s selfish, dangerous, reckless even, to want what we want, or to feel something other than what is appropriate to feel in any given situation. And to step outside of what falls comfortably in what’s acceptable, you’re sure to hear about it and be called to defend yourself.

Respectfully, I call bullshit.

When women are able to tap into their inner knowing, miracles happen.

Women who aren’t afraid to trust their instincts are generally the ones who will change care providers prenatally until they find someone who feels in alignment with their birth vision, that they know in a deep way they can trust, and they feel physically comfortable with. They’ll follow the lead of their body in birth and are much less likely to experience birth trauma because of this.

I’ve witnessed women successfully and exclusively breastfeed their babies in spite of major challenges in the early weeks postpartum, a multigenerational gap in their lineage of breastfeeding mothers (again, breaking the norm), and well-intentioned people in their lives encouraging them to “just bottle feed that baby, for heavens sake” — and why? Because this knowing that they could do this, that they could trust their body to provide for their baby, and the willingness to follow their instinct.

Beyond this, mothers who feel safe to explore this guiding from their hearts tend to be the women who will advocate for their children the hardest. Full stop. This “pretending everything is okay if it doesn’t actually feel okay” can only live so long in their hearts before they do everything in their power and ability to find what is needed.

Girls who are given this example, this permission to be curious about the things that feel right and true inside of them— even when the rest of the world may be encouraging the opposite (think peer pressure, endless advertisements, social programming, etc) — are not likely to be afraid of their cycles or ashamed of their monthly bleeding., or to use their voice in the situation someone trespasses their limits. They’re the ones with questions, asking and advocating for themselves in ways that their grandmas and great grandmas weren’t allowed to or didn’t have the support for.

I see a wave of women busting free from this paradigm.

No… waves. Many waves.

In the conversations I have with women from various places, ages, and socioeconomic statuses, I feel this undercurrent of “we’ll tolerate no more of this” rising to the surface.

This ascending of the divine feminine feels like a mending of the stories in the most beautiful way.

I see that when mothers are heard and trusted for what they have to say, what they know, what they see, without being questioned or doubted or told they’re being irrational or crazy — everyone benefits. I imagine that community structures will shift in big ways and I’m eager eager eager for it.

A pregnant momma isn’t wanting unnecessary ultrasounds because she can feel that her baby is well? It is honored without question.

Something feels off hormonally and she’s struggling to conceive, but the bloodwork shows “normal ranges”? We’re going to explore this and refer you out to alternative types of care that are out of our scope of practice.

Young girls coming of age? We celebrate them and surround them with love and the wisdom of women who can show them how to live in their innate rhythms, how to identify what is healthy and normal, and how to tend to their bodies when there is imbalance.

I’m imagining an endless expansiveness that will create a softening in the hearts and minds of all of us. A release of ego for the embrace of humility and honoring in ways we’ve hungered for (even subconsciously) for so long. I envision that as this honoring of women’s ways and wisdom becomes the norm, we’ll see the men rise to their fullest divine masculine as well. Ugh, there is so much to say. I imagine healing in ways we’ve yearned for and maybe haven’t had the language to fully call in. Personally and collectively.

And so it is.

I am believing it.

<3