new mothers should never be left alone

Rachelle Seliga shared this beautiful line that postpartum mothers are the “canary in the coal mine.”

How well our communities are as a whole (both small and large, from our family unit, to our neighbors, cities, states, countries, and so on) — can be identified by how well (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) the mothers within that community are.

In different words, if the mothers are suffering, the country and land they live in are likely suffering too.

When we take a look around at the mothers in our community, I see a lot of silent struggling. I see women doing everything that they can and know to do to keep their nose above water. I see comparison and energy traps that consume hearts like a field fire with the wind at it’s back. I see that there isso much try but so often so little gain, that women want so much to tap out of this role that’s “supposed to come naturally.” I also see how our country and land reflects this.

And why would this be?

Because in the construct we’re currently living in, mothers are made to go it alone and so often don’t even know who they can reach out to when they need help. Real help that’s not going to shrug them off or dismiss their concerns. More than this, mothers often feel that even reaching out for support signifies that they are weak or insufficient, or they are pressed internally with the thought that they “should just figure it out themselves.”

One in three women report perinatal disorders (depression, anxiety, even postpartum psychosis) in the postpartum time, and that stat would only include the women who report this clinically. This also doesn’t factor in the women who experience miscarriage or stillbirth. Perinatal mood disorders are a symptom, not the problem.

Pause on that just a moment.

One in three.

This cannot be chalked up to “postpartum hormonal shifts and imbalances” alone.

So let’s think.

Is it any wonder how day in and day out of isolation with a newborn, that may be struggling to breastfeed, or sleep well, or is constipated or refluxy, while also having basic physical needs yourself such as eating, showering, using the restroom peacefully (without rushing), recovering from tears post birth or navigating cracking nipples, would lead a woman into a complete collapse?

Adding to this, the elders we look to generally share a story that goes something like, “After I had my kids, there were no breaks. We got right back to life. I had a newborn and two older kids, and the wheel had to keep turning. My husband had to work. There wasn’t anyone who could take over for me. That just wasn’t the way back then.”

Which means that for most of us, we’re generations away from postpartum traditions that enwrapped new mothers and babies with family support. Our parents and grandparents at this time likely have no idea how to hold the space in the ways that are needed because they themselves weren’t given the opportunity to be held when they needed it. And I’ll add, these elders generally will have shameful comments or expressions towards us when we do make efforts to surrender to our need to rest.

“This simple fact causes the entire family to begin their new life at a deficit. Leaving a family alone to fend for themselves postpartum is crushing in every way. Postpartum depression is an illness of colonial, capitalist, patriarchy. How can one be stable when every day is a fight for basic survival? How can you turn depression into joy if you are emotionally isolated? Our spirit needs to be fortified after giving birth.”

— Panquetzani, Thriving Postpartum

And now, our communities (from smallest to largest) are showing it. One in three women (realistically, more) are struggling post birth.

And yet… every time I have the opportunity to visit a newly born momma, or receive a message with that raw, genuine, “I need help” undertone of surrendering to the need for community — I see again and again how we can turn this around.

Bringing a mother a meal, taking the time to sit with her and see her efforts, or compassionately hear her concerns, help her with her dishes, or offer her a resource so she can step closer to the answers she seeks, is like the hundred dollar bill to her energetically negative bank account.

How quickly everything shifts.

How quickly she begins to believe in her ability to do what she is called to do.

Mothers desire to be seen, to be witnessed in the transformation they’re undergoing, and acknowledged for the work they’re doing for their family, and they often don’t know how to ask for this. They cannot do this work without their community surrounding and upholding them — giving them the space and time to funnel their focus, knowing that they are resourced with nourishment, tender words, and someone to listen when they have stories to release.

Supporting the mothers is synonymous to supporting the world.

And because of this, new mothers should never ever ever ever be left alone.